Smooveblog

Local Flavor

Fri, 1 Aug 2008 22:32:50 -0400

I was outside this bar, hanging in the smoking section, and was talking to this nice redneck landscaper. After a few minutes he nudged me and said ...

Redneck: Hey! You wanna heer a funny story?
Smoove: Of course!
Redneck: You see ol’ boy over theer? (pointing to his friend)
Smoove: Yeah.
Redneck: Well the other day when we was at work we rolled up a mulch cigarette and we give it to ol’ boy to smoke. Man, he took 2 hits off that muther fucker before he was like ‘ooh damn, that nasty!’
Smoove: (laughing) Really, 2 hits off a mulch cigarette?
Redneck: (laughing) Yeah. Shit man, that was like 3 days ago and he still won’t talk to us.
Smoove: (still laughing) Well now, that IS a funny story! It was worth it, wasn’t it?
Redneck: Fuck yeah, I’d do it again!

So if a landscaper ever gives you a hand rolled cigarette, smell it first. And for god’s sake, one hit of chicken shit, compost and twigs should be enough to clue you in ... but if you’re a redneck, be prepared to take an extra hit just to be sure.

True Story.

Year of the Living UnGay

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 19:54:13 -0400

Halloween is coming up soon, and all of the undead and dead alike will be celebrating in the good old USA (minus, of course, all the religions that think Halloween is too Wiccan / Pagan). Its that time of year, and strange things are abrew ....

Which leads me to a new term that I call “UnGay.” An UnGay is someone who is gay in private but UnGay in public. In other words, they are beings that are really gay, but act like they aren’t. An UnGay will never go to a gay bar, or to gay pride. They are incapable of being gay fabulous because they are too busy hating themselves, hiding their true feelings, and repressing their sexuality. The UnGay are like zombies who live off the flesh and lives of true gays.

Here are a couple more UnGay’s you may or may not have heard of ...

A. For example, Republican senator Larry “wide stance” Craig from Idaho is an UnGay. Everyone knows that Wide Stance is a total HOMO but because he is married and says he’s straight, somehow he has convinced himself and his poor wife that he is not gay. He is right about one thing, he is not gay - rather, he is an UnGay!

B. Reverand Gary Aldridge, an Alabama minister who

“died in June of "accidental mechanical asphyxia" was found hogtied and wearing two complete wet suits, including a face mask, diving gloves and slippers, rubberized underwear, and a head mask, according to an autopsy report.” http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1008072scuba1.html

Apparently, The Reverend died in the middle of some serious auto-erotic fetish play. Really? You needed TWO wet suits? Although a bit strange, this by itself, does not indicate any kind of sexual orientation other than the obvious water sports orientation. What I think makes Rev Aldridge and UnGay is this - according to the autopsy report, there was “a dildo in the anus covered with a condom.” Now if it was just a finger in his ass, I could believe that he was straight, but to commit to a whole dildo in your ass AND use a condom, well, I’m going out on a limb and call the good Rev an UnGay.

C. Monsignor Tommaso Stenico, a Vatican official was suspended when he got caught on hidden camera making advances towards a young man. According to an interview in La Repubblica newspaper, Monsignor UnGay claims that he is not gay, and was only befriending gay men, and frequenting gay chat rooms as part of his work to help cleanse the Church of homosexual activity. Of course, this UnGay was busy telling little boys that gay sex is not sinful (nice pick up line, dude). http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/world/AP-Vatican-Gay-Monsignor.html

D. Although not as dangerous as the Regular or Religious UnGay, the Hollywood UnGay (HUG) has plenty of company. This species of UnGay are not true UnGays, as they are usually only UnGay at work or while talking to the press. The sad thing about the HUGs is that they are so fixed on their image, that they will never know that no one fucking cares anymore! They could make a pretty depressing and tragic UnGay movie with these folks: Jodi Foster, Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Queen Latifah, John Travolta, the guy who married Liza, and Sean Hayes (even though he played a gay - Jack - on Will and Grace).

Maybe all of the UnGays could dress up as gays for Halloween and finally join the living with some good old fashioned, guilt free, same sex fun.

Topless Modified Nationals

Sat, 15 Sep 2007 10:14:27 -0400

Last night I went out to see the topless modified nationals and midget sprints. I originally went because I thought that there was going to be topless midget sprints - I mean, come on, who wouldn’t want to see topless midgets sprint? In fact, I’m kind of surprised that there isn’t a reality show like this yet ... Anyway, when I got there, it turns out I was wrong. The events for the evening were “topless modified” and “midget sprints.” Given my error, I thought, well I can deal with topless even if they have been modified, and midget sprints still sound like they’d be fun to watch even if they weren’t topless, so I got my ticket and went in.

It was loud and dirty, but you get to bring in your own coolers & canned beer. Grandstands, lawn seating, concession stands filled with every kind of fried treat you can imagine, toilets with unpainted plywood doors that only go 1/2 way up. This is the kind of event that is great for mullet watching. Plus on the way in we got to have our picture taken in front of a ridiculous Hummer while we flipped it off (if you haven’t already, check out the site http://www.fuh2.com). Yee Haw! It was redneck heaven.

This spectacle took place at the Bloomington Speedway. I was a bit surprised that there weren’t any topless ladies or drunk shirtless men, and that the “midgets” weren’t people, but really tiny cars. But I let my surprise give way to joy and I’ll tell you what - there’s nothing hotter than going to see topless modified stock cars race around a 1/4 mile dirt track. The midget sprints were the icing on the cake, and the t-shirt I got that says “In our sport, we play dirty” was the sprinkles on the icing on the cake. I’m still on a sugar high.

I Love Redneck stories & i think i might subscribe now ...

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 23:37:39 -0400

If this picture doesn’t make you love rednecks, then you need a serious attitude check.

I don’t know why, but we’ve been getting the local paper every day even though I only pay for it on the weekends. It could be the new neighbors’ paper ... I should probably say something, but I’ve been enjoying some of the reporting a little too much. Here are a few of the items that make me consider becoming a full time subscriber. Feast your eyes on these Redneck adventures ...

1. Intro: I can’t even begin to deconstruct this one. But that’s O.K. ... I don’t have to because I know you will enjoy. My advice to the man: “Hey Sherlock - this campus is full of horny boys and hot girls who are easily corralled into stables called ‘sororities.’ We are the #8 ranked party school in the country (we’ve slipped from #1 a couple of years ago). Dude’s only medical problem might be carpal tunnel if he keep up these kind of workouts.”

Headline: Man reported with hand in his pants near sorority house

Fav Quote: “Indiana University police aren’t sure whether a man seen lying on the ground near a sorority house Saturday morning was fondling himself in public or suffering from a medical condition”

Full Link: http://www.smooveg.net/images/handypants.jpg

2. Intro: This one sounds like a COPS TV show wet dream. This is a 29 year old male who the cops find “driving very slowly” and crossing the center line, before the car finally “left the road” and “came to a rest against a stop sign.” Note that he didn’t hit the sign, but that he was going so slow that he merely came to a rest by the sign.

Headline: Golden paint on hands and socks leads to man’s arrest

Fav Quote: “deputies on the scene believe Hoskinson may have been inhaling or ‘huffing’ paint to become intoxicated”

Full Link: http://www.smooveg.net/images/goldpaint.jpg

3. Intro: First let me say that this was a 76 year old man who got on an 11 year old in church. These Christians are Fucking classy! anyway here it goes ...

Headline: Man sentenced to 10 years for molestation in church

Fav Quote: Girl: “He’s hurt me real bad in feelings.”
Old Man: “I’m very, very, sorry,” Hall told the girl while crying. “I love you, and my heart bleeds for what I did. I want to apologize to my wife. I’m very, very, sorry.”

Full Link: http://www.smooveg.net/images/churchmolest.jpg

4. Intro: Life is not a video game you WiiTards. Dude admits to “taking a swipe” at his lady friend.

Headline: Police say sword used to settle dispute over puppy

Fav Quote: “An argument over a puppy lead to a samurai sword attack Monday night, Bloomington police said.”

Full Link: http://www.smooveg.net/images/swordfight.jpg

Aren’t we All?

Wed, 5 Sep 2007 19:04:37 -0400

Only in the Heartland .... only in the Heartland.

I went to the post office the other day. Waited patiently in line, and when I finally got up to the clerk, she greeted me and started some small talk. Now, this is not uncommon for the Midwest since most folks here are pretty friendly, but god damn, it does not mean they are smart. Here’s the exchange ...

Clerk: Hello there! Oh my, what’s a NOON?
Smoove: I’m sorry, what was that?
Clerk: What’s a NOON?
Smoove: Umm, I’m not sure what you are asking me.
Clerk: Oh I see the craziest t-shirts in here ... what’s a noon?

That’s when I finally clued into the fact that she was asking me about my t-shirt (see pic above).

Smoove: Oh! Well, it says “I’m a NOUN” ... and actually we’re all nouns.
Clerk: Huh?
Smoove: [trying not to laugh] You know, a noun -- it’s a person, place, or thing.

The next thing I know the Clerk next to her is cracking up and joins in the fun:

Clerk 2: Hey, I’m a pronoun too!
Smoove: Yes, aren’t we all? Now that’s what I’m talking about -- let the grammer showdown begin!
Clerk: I don’t understand ....

But my transaction was complete, and so I decided to leave without explaining to her what kind of noun I really am.